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Tuesday, March 28th, 2006
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4:11 am - New York, New York
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So at 1:30am I leave my office to take my lunch break(incase anyone doesn't know, my hours are crazy). Now my office is in Times Square so come night time there is a weird mixture of tourists,loud new yorkers, random celebrities doing broadway shows walking around trying to get noticed and signed autographs so they can still feel that they are still a celebrity(E.G Brooke Shields and Christina Appelgate), and of course the wonderful wandering bums of New York City, this story..is about the latter.
Now since all these random people walk the streets near my office at all hours, I try best to not take notice of any of them, so as I'm leaving my building I hear some crazy person saying stuff behind me but just ignore it and walk away, after 3 steps however I hear "OH SHIT!!.." from behind me, and turn around to see exactly whats the reason for the "Oh shit" I turn to see that this random bum lady, who has a shirt wrapped around her head like a turban, grabbing the closing door that I just left from. Realizing that I just let a bum into my office building, I dart back to the door as shes closing it behind her.
I fumble for my keys at the door, meanwhile catching glimpses of her through the glass as she observes the lobby, tries to open the staircase door, and then wanders into the open elevator. Finally I get my keys and unlock the door, running to the elevator as it slowly closes. "Excuse me, this is a private building!" I say. To which she retorts. "THE CHINESE GUY.... UPSTAIRS ....ITS COOL!" as the Elevator doors close infront of me. I look to see where the elevator goes, it stops at 5 first, then goes all the way up to 8. Being a kid who used to play lazer tag in apartment buildings, I know this trick..the get off at one floor and send the elevator to another floor as a diversion, in the words of Robert Muldoon..."Clever Girl".
Not knowing what to do, I figure its best to just walk the streets and find a cop, calling 911 to report that a lady casually entered my building as I was leaving it and I am now in fear of said crazy lady defecating on the carpets would seem silly, considering it took the NYPD over 1 hour to report to the scene of a robbery a couple of months back, a mathematician will deduct that based on the importance of that robbery in relation to their reaction time of that said event being over 1 hour, the importance of a potential defecator would mean that their reaction time would be around...8 hours.
So I leave the building again, making sure to close the door behind me because one bum invasion is enough for a day. Knowing damn well that cops will be on 50th and broadway at that time(they always are..it makes no sense) I go up to them and tell them of the damn Mongolian invader to my Great Wall of China. I don't know the number of the building I work in so I just tell them i'll walk them their(cause entering a cop car for a block is as well..pretty damn silly). What followed was the slowest police pursuit to the scene of the crime.
We arrive and the cops see that the elevator is on the 8th floor so they want to go there, I inform them though of my belief of her being on the fifth floor, they decide to believe me and suggest i follow them in order to identify the subject(Just incase they get her mixed up with another random lady with a shirt wrapped around her head who is possibly working the graveyard shift in...the hallway). The three of us squeeze into the smallest elevator possible, as the cops discuss between themselves if they should use a gun or just their nightstick. They agree to both use the nightstick(Seriously...would anyone shoot someone over a matter of potential pooping?).
Of course to add to the whole drama, the lights in the hallway on the fifth floor are flickering on and off. So the cops are walking all dramatically with their flashlights and nightsticks, with me following behind with..nothing. All of a sudden a noise is heard round the corner and the cops do the whole stealth...lean against the wall...do a quick glance..come back, do hand signals to each other. They then call her out and no reply comes. They then dart run the corner to find her without pants just chilling in a corner. "Oh hey..I'm just waiting for my chinese friend" were her words. They pick her up, make her lift up her pants and walk her back to the elevator, upon seeing me she goes.."Is that you??"....she thought I was her "chinese friend".
So thankfully, no poop for me to clean up, just remember..if you work stupid hours..and if you live in a stupid city....don't let crazy t-shirt towel chinese men seekers enter your building.
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